The First Time Having Sex After a Baby: An Awkward but Hilarious Reality

Ah, the first time having sex after bringing a human into the world. In your mind, it’s going to be a magical reunion—candles, boyz to men, a loving gaze exchanged as you and your partner finally have a moment alone. The reality? Let’s just say it’s more “comedy of errors” than “romantic revival.”

So if you’re gearing up for that first post-baby romp, let’s set some real expectations, share a few laughs, and remember: you’re not alone in the weird, wonderful world of postpartum intimacy.

1. Setting the Scene

Everyone thinks they’re going to bring romance back by just “setting the mood” - as if some candles and Marvin Gaye will drown out the fact that you’ve barely slept in weeks and there’s a baby monitor glowing next to your bed. The actual first-time setup usually includes slipping into something that isn’t pajamas, hiding stray bottles, and praying that the baby stays asleep longer than 10 minutes.

You’ve barely gotten into the mindset before the baby cries. Pause. Rethink your life choices. Pat yourself on the back for even attempting this.

2. The Trusty “Let’s Give This a Shot” Attitude

Let’s face it: “sexy” is hard to come by when you’re running on fumes and feeling about as graceful as a baby giraffe on roller skates. After pregnancy, your body has changed, your energy is at rock bottom, and there’s a decent chance you’re still figuring out what you can and can’t do comfortably. But you both agree to give it a shot, because, hey—what’s life without a little trial and error?

And by trial and error, I mean awkward glances, a lot of “Wait, are you okay?” questions, and possibly a few hilarious attempts to find a position that doesn’t feel like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

3. That Awkward Moment When You Remember “Oh Yeah, This Used to Be Fun!”

At some point, you might have an epiphany where you realise that this is supposed to be enjoyable. But suddenly, every minor detail becomes a distraction. You’re both laughing nervously, and the whole thing feels like a high-stakes school disco, with two people awkwardly bobbing around, pretending they know what they’re doing.

There’s a solid chance you’ll both burst into laughter at how absurd it feels. Or you’ll pause for a pep talk: “Hey, we used to be good at this, right?” One of you might even suggest watching a tutorial, which somehow feels both wildly unromantic and strangely helpful.

4. New Body, New Rules

Your body, which used to be a well-oiled (or at least decently-oiled) machine, now comes with its own new set of rules and limitations. It’s a fun little game called “What’s Happening Down There?” And if you’ve been through a C-section, you’ve got your own set of unique sensations and tenderness to figure out.

But there’s also something amazing about rediscovering your body together. You get to laugh together, figure things out, and maybe even find out that your relationship is based on something stronger than just a perfect date night.

5. Will This Even Work?

Before you start, you both wonder: will this even work? It’s like trying to use an old appliance after it’s been in storage—will it turn on? Does it need a little kickstart? Has it even been plugged in since you had the baby? This can be both funny and a little anxiety-inducing, but remember: no pressure.

It’s normal for things to take a little longer or for everything to feel… different. Plus, with so much time spent baby-wrangling, it’s possible your brain needs time to adjust from “nappy duty” mode to “romantic adult” mode.

6. The (Completely Rational) Fear of Being Walked In On

If there’s an older sibling in the house, or if the baby is even remotely mobile, every sound becomes suspect. The two of you are listening for footsteps like you’re in a horror movie, both of you glancing at the door like, “Did you hear that?”

Even the softest creak makes you freeze, which, let’s face it, can make things… complicated. And if you’re a first-time parent, every baby sound on the monitor is basically an invitation to stop, run, and check. So you end up doing an impressive stop-start routine that’s part hilarious, part frustrating, and fully exhausting.

7. The Beautiful Disaster of Trying to Feel Sexy

If your body still feels a little foreign to you, that’s totally normal. Finding lingerie buried under nursing bras is no small feat, and suddenly you realize how much things have shifted. And then there’s the logistics of getting into something sexy—an ambitious goal, only to realize you’re now trying to do Cirque du Soleil-level moves to take it off.

But here’s the kicker: your partner likely isn’t noticing these things at all. They’re just excited you’re both trying, and odds are they’re as distracted by logistics as you are. You may not feel sexy, but the fact that you’re both willing to give this new normal a try? That’s its own kind of intimacy.

8. Don’t Be Surprised If It’s Short and Sweet

Let’s set another real expectation: there’s a good chance your first time back will be short. Like, short. But here’s the thing—sometimes it’s about reconnecting more than the mechanics. A quick, funny, semi-successful attempt still means you’re both in this together, and you’re learning to navigate a whole new life as a team.

Besides, even if it feels like a flop, you’ll probably end up with a funny story and some fond memories to laugh about later. Plus, each attempt can get a little easier, a little more comfortable, and a little less like an amateur trapeze act.

9. Remember to Laugh

The truth is, the first time back in the saddle isn’t about perfection. It’s about connection, humour, and figuring out a new chapter together. Give yourself permission to laugh, to go slow, and to enjoy the ridiculousness of this transitional time. It’s a good reminder that your relationship can handle anything—even re-learning intimacy with a baby monitor instead of candles lighting up the background.

The Takeaway: Embrace the Awkwardness

At the end of the day, that first time postpartum is a unique mix of clumsiness, self-consciousness, and tenderness. You’ll never have a “first time back” again, so embrace it for the hilarious mess it is. You’ll get your rhythm back eventually, but for now, enjoy the humour, the shared vulnerability, and the intimacy that only two parents trying to navigate their new lives together could understand.