Me First (kind of): The Myth of the Perfect Mother (and Other Lies That Ruin Lives)

Ah, the perfect mother. She’s always smiling. Her kids eat quinoa. Her home smells like eucalyptus and success. She has a colour-coded calendar, a pelvic floor of steel, and her toddler has never screamed “Poo bum!” at a funeral.

She’s not real, obviously.But that hasn’t stopped us from trying to become her — or feeling like failures because we aren’t.

This post is a middle finger to the myth. A breakdown of where it came from, how it’s messing with our heads, and why it’s high time we set fire to that halo.

Where the hell did this myth come from?

It’s a cocktail of patriarchy, capitalism, and 1950s propaganda with a sprinkle of Instagram filters. Somewhere along the way, motherhood became a competitive sport, and the only acceptable result was gold. Gold star, gold medal, gold-dusted oat bites made from scratch during naptime.

We are fed impossible standards:Be present, but also productive. Be gentle, but firm.Breastfeed, but don’t make anyone uncomfortable. Go back to work, but act like you don’t have kids. Do everything — and do it with a grateful smile and preferably a flat stomach.

Because here’s the real kicker: We’re told the mark of a “good mum” is complete and total self-erasure.

“But I just want to do my best!”

Sure, and that’s beautiful. But whose version of “best” are you chasing?

In this warped setup, doing your best = doing everything. Without complaint. Without help. While being permanently exhausted, emotionally available, nutritionally balanced, and not at all interested in your own needs.

You know what we praise mothers for?

• “She puts everyone first.”

• “She does it all without any help.”

• “She’s always there, always giving, always tired.”

We reward over-functioning. We romanticise burnout.We give out gold stars for self-neglect and call it “love.”

The result?

Burnout. Rage. Deep, bone-aching loneliness.A generation of mothers who feel like crap for wanting a nap or a night off.

According to Dr. Sophie Brock (a sociologist who studies the “Perfect Mother Myth”), mothers are judged by unrealistic ideals rooted in white, middle-class, heterosexual norms. Deviate from the script — single parenting, neurodivergent child, mental illness — and the shame levels up.

It’s not just unrealistic. It’s a trap.

Reality check:

• Your kids don’t need a perfect mum.

  They need a real one — one who’s allowed to be tired, messy, angry, or just off-duty.

  
  

• Being constantly tired isn’t a badge of honour.

  It’s a warning sign.

  
  

• Putting yourself last doesn’t make you a good mum.

  It makes you a ticking time bomb with a snack drawer.

  
  

• Being “good enough” is enough.

  Psychologist Donald Winnicott coined the term “good enough mother” in the 1950s — and he was onto something. It’s not about flawlessness; it’s about attunement, repair, and showing up with enough.

So what now?

We burn the myth.

We stop measuring success by how little we care for ourselves.We stop using exhaustion as proof of love.We start saying: “Actually, I matter too.”

Because when a mother is thriving, everyone benefits.And when a mother is barely holding it together, no one wins — no matter how colour-coded her calendar is.

You are not here to perform. You are not here to meet other people’s standards. You are allowed to put yourself first – thriving, unapologetic, gloriously self-serving.

And maybe a little sweary.