Chapter 4: Chaos on the Menu

Feeding your family should be simple: buy food, cook food, eat food. But in the domestic shitstorm, it’s anything but. Between picky eaters, constant snack demands and the pressure to prepare something nutritious, mealtime quickly devolves into chaos.

The pressure to make mealtimes perfect is exhausting. Social media doesn’t help, with its endless photos of colour-coordinated salads and artisan sandwiches cut into the shapes of woodland creatures. Meanwhile, you’re trying to make sure no one chokes on a chicken nugget. The reality is, it’s okay to take shortcuts. Frozen pizza, pre-packaged snacks and breakfast-for-dinner are your allies. 

The emotional labour behind all this is next-level absurd. But of course, none of it is acknowledged unless something goes wrong. If dinner’s perfect, nobody notices. But serve slightly overcooked broccoli and suddenly you’re hosting a panel discussion on why you’re ruining everyone’s life. It’s a thankless, never-ending loop of effort, where the closest thing to applause is someone not gagging at the table. No wonder we’re exhausted.

And we haven’t even touched on the most soul-destroying battleground of all: weaning —otherwise known as the era of food warfare. You start with optimism, armed with organic purées and an Instagram-worthy selection of finger foods. Three minutes in, you’re scraping mashed banana off the ceiling and wondering how sweet potato got inside your bra. The experts say ‘food before one is just for fun,’ but no one mentions that the fun is exclusively for your baby while you hover between defeat and a mild breakdown. One day, they inhale an entire plate; the next, they act like you’re trying to poison them with a single bite of toast. And just when you think they’ve eaten absolutely nothing all day, they somehow summon the energy to launch a yogurt-covered spoon at your face with the accuracy of a trained assassin. Honestly, how are they even surviving? Air? Crumbs? Spite?

It’s time to redistribute the load. Assign everyone a task – even toddlers can help (sure, it’ll take twice as long, but it’s the principle of the thing). If your partner isn’t pitching in, it might be time for some pointed conversations – or a chore chart written in glitter pen for maximum guilt and motivation. And if that still doesn’t work? Turn to your reliable friends: Miss Rachel and Paw Patrol. Stick them on, let the kids slip into a screen-induced coma, whip up whatever you need and let your spouse fend for themselves. Sometimes it needs to be survival of the fittest!